I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Randomize
