I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
please come you make the beer taste better
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Randomize
