I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
