nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
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