doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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