my text book just quoted the cookie monster
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
