Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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