come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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