I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Can I color on your dick again?
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
