In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
