The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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