So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
