In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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