I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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