3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
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