so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize