As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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