just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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