Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
