don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
