Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
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