About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
