I'm so fucking centered right now
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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