i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
