Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
