You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
