What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
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