I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
