mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
