Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
