I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Randomize
