My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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