??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
