Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Randomize
