Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
