The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
