I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
