when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
The maid of honor just puked.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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