non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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