Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Randomize
