Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
You need Xanax blowdarts
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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