i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
do nipples grow back?
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