You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
