ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
