So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
