got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize