Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
