I am midnight drunk by noon
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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