I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
