I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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