I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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