"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
