why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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