A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
is this the sara with the beer cane?
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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