I want to make a zoo with you.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
