That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
