Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
