apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize