Can i not drive my cunt home
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
