I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
