i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
