I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
