I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
