Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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