I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Randomize
