I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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