Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
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