I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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