I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
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