I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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