Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
