Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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